Day 204/366 days Towards Self-Mastery.
How we choose to approach life it seems, is an individual matter. Enduring and surviving might be well and good for some. It wasn't for me.
Whilst I didn't understand what was missing, I knew in the depths of my heart that life was meant to be more than about survival each disastrous decision, choice or relationship.
Stumbling from one catastrophe to another, I earned the title of survivor. But I didn't want to survive. I wanted to live.
That call to life I described as a call to happiness. It's only now that I realise that the deep void in me was where life itself was missing.
Withdrawing from society was the only way I knew to examine the possibilities and find a pathway to living fully. It appeared selfish to those who needed support or to those who were enriched with resources that I didn't have access to. I didn't care. I needed this time for me.
For a period, a long period in my life, I had nothing to give anyone and I needed to reserve all my energy... for me and my son. Initially I considered this to be the idea of loving myself.
It was much more than loving myself, it was discovering myself, and finding my place in the world.
It was finding and feeling into the void and realising that all the junk food and sugar-laden goodness wouldn't fill it up. That nothing I knew would fill it up, and I needed to find something that I didn't know. Something I hadn't experienced.
Hours, days, weeks, months and years of solitude were needed to enable me to tap into the deep void, the well of emptiness, seeking the treasures that were hidden there.
It continues to take an enormous amount of courage and compassion for myself, as well as enormous helpings of honesty with myself as I begin to experience life flowing in my veins. Slow tentative steps into each day allowing the mirrors of life to reflect back to me how I'm doing and what I'm creating.
So let me ask you this. Are you really living? Or are you stuck in some version of survival?
366 days Towards Self-Mastery
When I considered my New Year's intentions for 2020 I had just one: To allow my heart to love what it loved...and let it lead me. (If not now, then when?)
I've spent months working on integrating my life. To live life more fully with my home life, my interests, my work, my responsibilities, all coming together, all connected. I want to give each the attention that they desire and need, and still have time and energy for the others. That means living and working from the heart.
As I was clearing out my bookshelf over the Christmas break I discovered Simple Abundance. I set it aside to explore it on New Year's Day as I lazed through another delicious day of nothingness. Sarah, the author, says this book is about living in grace. Living in grace I realised, is about Self-Mastery.
My thirst for understanding the human condition has driven me all my life, and hand-in-hand with self-mastery it has been a life-long goal. And seeing as I love to write, that living in grace is about self-mastery, and I love a bit of a challenge, then if I am truly going to let my heart lead, I really don't have any other choice. So scary as it feels, I'm starting out on a daily mission of leaning into the suggestions of this daybook and making a daily post to keep me accountable. If not now, then when?
I'm Josie. You can find out a little more about me here.
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy: by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
This book is written for the Australian and NZ market because it refers to seasonal changes. It's available on Amazon here if you'd like to follow along.