Day 229/366 days Towards Self-Mastery.
How often is there a disconnect between what you achieve and what you are willing to acknowledge and own?
When you put your mind to something that you know is so aligned with who you are, so juicy and alive for you and so energising, yet when it's accomplished it's as if someone else achieved it.
As I sit here writing I'm reflecting on myself at 12 years of age. There were some accomplishments that I should have been very proud of.
A painting for a nationwide painting competition that I actually won. In the whole country, my painting was chosen as the winning entry.
Every grazed knee in the school yard was mended in my care. Each day I even taught the grade 1 & 2 kids how to use cuisenaire rods for math.
Did I happen to mention in the last 228 days that I was kept down in my last year of primary school to essentially be a teachers assistant, and to do the important work of sewing and mending tabanacle covers for our church, arrange the flowers for the week's services, polish the brass candelabras and set out the vestments for the priest so that he could lift the hem and slip them on. I must admit, that last bit always made me cranky that he couldn't get his own clothes out of the cupboard and dress himself without someone laying it out for him.
In spite of that year of service, there were very few gratuities, and absolutely no recognition nor acknowledgement. Yet the cost to me was high.
I lost access to my beloved brother during the school days as he had headed off to high school and now there would be 2 years between us. Even as I write, I feel a deep sadness arise in my heartspace.
In the first year of high school I was then a year older than everyone else which brought me enormous shame. Most people naturally made the assumption that I didn't have the academic nouse to come to high school the previous year, and had to stay down a year in primary school. I was labelled a dummy.
In the whole fiasco, there was no collaboration with me. It was a given and I was to do as I was told... for the whole year. In that year I discovered what childhood depression was all about.
This part of my personality is 12 years old. She remained there in her functionally depressed mood for decades, until I connected with her. Her natural way of coping is to do what she needs to do, keep her head down and try not to attract undue attention. That's a challenge for anyone trying to create a business or shape a career. When she is driving the bus, there's little energy for innovation and no chance that I will celebrate my accomplishments.
She is why I do the work I do. Both my own inner work, and my therapy work for others. She is beginning to change and grow and cooperate more energetically with the part of me that is ambitious. She realises that was then, and this is now, and now we have choices and can celebrate ourselves and our successes.
366 days Towards Self-Mastery
When I considered my New Year's intentions for 2020 I had just one: To allow my heart to love what it loved...and let it lead me. (If not now, then when?)
I've spent months working on integrating my life. To live life more fully with my home life, my interests, my work, my responsibilities, all coming together, all connected. I want to give each the attention that they desire and need, and still have time and energy for the others. That means living and working from the heart.
As I was clearing out my bookshelf over the Christmas break I discovered Simple Abundance. I set it aside to explore it on New Year's Day as I lazed through another delicious day of nothingness. Sarah, the author, says this book is about living in grace. Living in grace I realised, is about Self-Mastery.
My thirst for understanding the human condition has driven me all my life, and hand-in-hand with self-mastery it has been a life-long goal. And seeing as I love to write, that living in grace is about self-mastery, and I love a bit of a challenge, then if I am truly going to let my heart lead, I really don't have any other choice. So scary as it feels, I'm starting out on a daily mission of leaning into the suggestions of this daybook and making a daily post to keep me accountable. If not now, then when?
I'm Josie. You can find out a little more about me here.
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy: by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
This book is written for the Australian and NZ market because it refers to seasonal changes. It's available on Amazon here if you'd like to follow along.