Day 237/366 days Towards Self-Mastery.
For decades I've wrestled with an inner conflict between sharing my knowledge and making something of myself, and settling for a quieter life out of the limelight.
There have been times when I'll gladly and confidently expressed myself, taken workshops and spoken up when the opportunities present themselves, and then there are other times when I don't want to be bothered with all of it. I don't have anything to prove so why bother myself with the anxiety of it all.
This tremendously impactful polarity of settle or grow I realise, has been very limiting. When you're being pulled in two opposing directions you end up in exactly the same place. And further observation reveals that this phenomenon is intergenerational.
There's definitely a part of me that wants to grow and know about life and share knowledge and learn more, and has achieved so very much. Then there's this part of me that wants to spend all my days in the garden talking only to the butterflies and the bees.
As I reflect on the past few years of networking in online business communities I recognise that I am not alone in this dichotomy. How could you be consistently visible and not want to be seen? How can you share your message consistently and not care whether people hear you or not? How can you build an entrepreneurial business and really just want to spend your days alone in your garden?
We don't talk enough about these polarities that pull us in two direction.
I discovered that my inner 12 year old self was the part of me that wanted to spend her time in the garden. She had come to a place where she was convinced that nobody cared about her, that nobody wanted to hear her stories, celebrate her success nor help her to heal her wounded heart, that she decided the best course of action was to befriend the birds and the bees and the butterflies and leave the rest alone.
And that decision informed the trajectory of her life. In spite of a part of her wanting to explore and grow and understand the human condition, there was still this other part that had given up on others. That had stopped trying to connect, to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated and to be acknowledged.
That's a powerful incentive.
Will she take steps to explore into her potential after all this time? We are in negotiations...
366 days Towards Self-Mastery
When I considered my New Year's intentions for 2020 I had just one: To allow my heart to love what it loved...and let it lead me. (If not now, then when?)
I've spent months working on integrating my life. To live life more fully with my home life, my interests, my work, my responsibilities, all coming together, all connected. I want to give each the attention that they desire and need, and still have time and energy for the others. That means living and working from the heart.
As I was clearing out my bookshelf over the Christmas break I discovered Simple Abundance. I set it aside to explore it on New Year's Day as I lazed through another delicious day of nothingness. Sarah, the author, says this book is about living in grace. Living in grace I realised, is about Self-Mastery.
My thirst for understanding the human condition has driven me all my life, and hand-in-hand with self-mastery it has been a life-long goal. And seeing as I love to write, that living in grace is about self-mastery, and I love a bit of a challenge, then if I am truly going to let my heart lead, I really don't have any other choice. So scary as it feels, I'm starting out on a daily mission of leaning into the suggestions of this daybook and making a daily post to keep me accountable. If not now, then when?
I'm Josie. You can find out a little more about me here.
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy: by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
This book is written for the Australian and NZ market because it refers to seasonal changes. It's available on Amazon here if you'd like to follow along.